Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
