this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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