literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
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