the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so let's talk penis.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
