Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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