Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
