I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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