he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
