WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
