So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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