Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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