My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
