god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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