He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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