i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
