The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
