Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I can text with my tongue
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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