The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just threw up on my dentist
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
