im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Randomize
