Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
