this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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