I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Randomize
