I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
