listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
