Swine flu. Run for my life!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
