I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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