Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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