Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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