At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
