Where did you get a picture of my penis
Can Purell be used as lube?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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