Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
