You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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