me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
