Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
