I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
