You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
