On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
