rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
