I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
