I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
