I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
