It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
