he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
