I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
