You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
