wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Randomize
