so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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