Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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