Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
