i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
