I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
