Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize