my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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