yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
