the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
