Your mouth is God's brothel.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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