You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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