Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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