im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
