I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
